I find it hard to fathom the concept of love. It sounds cliche given the fact that I am only eighteen years old, but I feel like I’ve already experienced a lifetime of pain. Let’s look at my parents to start: married for almost 27 years– but I doubt they will make it to July. It’s hard to accept the fact that two people who created your entire existence because they were in love, are suddenly falling out. However, this so-called “sudden” fallout appears to have a lot more underlying factors than just what one sees. Growing up, a lot of my friends had divorced parents. Anytime the conversation would be brought up, my mom would pity them and she could never comprehend why divorces are so common. Now, she’s facing her worst nightmare and the once impossible situation has become inevitable. To those who grew up switching from house to house, I am truly sorry and now understand the impact that it puts onto a child. As of today, 50% of marriages end in divorce. Infidelity– the forbidden word in every marriage. Discovering my father's disloyalty towards my mother truly made me sick. A question that I commonly ask myself is, “Why?” To be frank, I find pride in not being able to understand why people act the way that they do. This is because I know that not one bone in my body is capable of hurting others in a way they easily can. One can have the entire world in front of themselves, yet still search for more. The greed truly sickens me.
Let’s move onto the day that every little girl dreams of: her wedding day. Walking down the aisle, having her father kiss her cheek and look at her with watery eyes as his beloved child is now under someone else's care. Now in my case, I’m not even sure if that is a possibility anymore. I imagine my wedding and nearly wince at the idea that I have to give one person my entire trust. My once best friend and father figure has completely ruined my ideology of love and I don’t know if I will ever get that back. In the meantime, I will continue to listen to the love songs and watch the movies that are utterly unrealistic and wrongly idolize something that tends to always come to an end, like darkness rather than light at the end of a twisting tunnel.
Regarding my own experiences, I am slowly giving up. Everyone yearns for someone to love their entire being and to never leave. Is that even a possibility anymore? Seeing my parents who once looked at each other like no one else existed becoming strangers, it terrifies me. I am exhausted from becoming so easily attached and chasing after anyone who shows a slight interest in me. I am now a firm believer in loving yourself before you love others. College has sadly taught me that most “meaningful” interactions are simply sex. But as a young adult, sex completely distorts your definition of love. We all want to feel wanted, so may as well do what it takes to keep someone from leaving. But no, not anymore.
Love needs to be discovered slowly, not by sight. Love bombing is an unfortunately common occurrence. I genuinely find it impossible for someone to be able to portray any feelings related to love unless you fully know that person to their core. It is not a saying that should be thrown around. I have been a victim to countless forms of love bombing, and have completely fallen for it every single time. I wish that growing up I had someone tell me, “You do not need someone’s own love to feel valued.” The hard truth is, you only need yourself. I feel a bit hypocritical writing this because I don’t fully believe it yet, but I’m on my way there. One thing I can admit I struggle with is self-sabotage. I can never fully believe anything anyone says to me, and I think that it is rightfully so, given the circumstances I have come across. They say actions speak louder than words, so why are my ears being filled with broken promises?
I’m proud to say that I am now the guardian of my own heart. When the time comes, when I know that I am truly ready, the right man will find me. Not by running, not by forcing, just by living. With that being said, I will use the pain of my parents divorce to show me what not to do. I will find a love that is the complete opposite of theirs. Something that makes me feel seen, respected, and involves true pinky promises. To that, I pinky promise myself that I will use all of the love that I’ve given to others, to me.
